Here I am again
Yet for the first time
I find myself happier
But as I regress to the past
disappointment waits
But here I am
wanting nothing but you
You
make me feel
comfortable
open
accepted
You
take me
hold me
let me know
what you want
how you want it
how you want me
All I can do is stay here
in the dark
alone
hoping that
nothing will go wrong.
So I’m just gonna write out everything I’m feeling about this past week here.
First and foremost, I still do not fully accept the fact that I was pregnant. And not in a denial sort of way, more of a completely unconnected sense. From the moment I saw the test, all I could think of was the next step or action. Once I had a plan and went through with it, it was as if it never happened. Life really does go on.
I didn’t believe pregnant before the procedure, during the ultrasound, and even now after the fact.
It was never a baby or even a fetus. It was nothing.
But it’s something that will forever remain in the back of my mind. Something I will only share with those I completely and utterly trust.
Joking around about babies and parenting is not the same anymore. It never will be.
But when I do become pregnant with a pregnancy I am ready for, I will be able to cherish and appreciate the emotions and excitement of motherhood even more.
But until then I will have to continue living my life as though it never happened, as though I did not just escape the single thing that could have ruined my entire life.
Pregnant
Part of me wants to fight it
It realizes you’d be a waste
But part of me wants
You
It’s as if
they were hiding
all along
underneath my skin.
Despite the others
despite the numbers
they were there
waiting.
One would think
that sufficient time has passed
for them to wither away
and vanish.
For what I have done
you can not.
For what you have felt
I can not.
How wrong I must have been.
Time has passed
and there’s not much I can do
But feel the pain.
I don’t wanna be like a beggar
you either got me or you don’t
I understand the message
Yes or no
But put me through shit
and then not support me on the
most important day
I won’t care
I won’t wanna listen
I want you gone
leave
leave
leave
Fucking fuck fuck FUCK
why does this always happen to me?
the one group of people that I want to hang out with
and am a part of
ALWAYS FUCKING DO THIS.
It just doesn’t make any sense.
I don’t fucking do anything to hurt them
and I try my hardest to not annoy them.
BUT IT FUCKING HAPPENS ANYWAY.
Point proven yet again that I will never truly trust anyone.
Not that they deserve it or that I need to.
And the days become tick marks carved into the bone of my skull
I am having so much random sex
and I absolutely love it
So glad that I’m not a babysitter anymore.
You made a fool of yourself.
God, it was so fucking embarrassing.
Now I have to live with the fact that I’ve associated myself with you for the rest of my life.
